My Chat With Five Drinks

I was outside mowing my lawn yesterday after work (Friday) when I had, by far, the longest conversation with our neighbors that any of us have ever had. It ended with the possibility of many such future interactions, but I’m getting ahead of myself. I did that on purpose to get you excited.

I had brought a pen and paper outside with me because Rat-A-Tat had been on the porch with no shirt on cursing at the dog earlier. And just in case some conversation among them was too long, I had brought my phone so I could call Josh and dictate. We were still high off of the absurdity of what we shall call the “porno-fight,” and we were looking for something ≥

Here is what happened. I was walking down the steps to return the push-mower to my neighbor across the street (and by neighbor I mean mother). Five Drinks and Misty had just parked their car on the other side of street (there were so many cars in their driveway that I half-expected Gravedigger to bust in and mash them all). They happened to be walking across the street toward their house just as I was walking across the street toward my mother’s house. She asked me (and by "asked" I mean "yelled across the street") if they could borrow the mower. I grimaced and replied that it was on its last legs and it wasn’t even mine and that I had borrowed it from a neighbor (I neglected to mention that it was my mother).

Then she asked me if I wanted to come over and mow her lawn. Now I assume she meant physically mowing the grass on the property and not any sort of meaning that my hormonal 14-year old mind would interpret, but you never can tell with these types. I said, “You pay me?” and she replied, “Sure, just the patch in the back” (again, pretty sure she was talking about the lawn). She asked, “How about tomorrow at noon?” I hesitated for what seemed like hours before saying I wasn’t sure when I’d be free this weekend. She told me she’d give me $40 and to just come over and knock on the door anytime this weekend. I don’t even remember what I said I was so nervous. Thank god it’s going to rain all weekend. She said something else as she walked away (probably “I really like your blog about us”), but I didn’t hear it because I was too busy trying to get hit by a car so I wouldn’t have to go over there and mow their lawn this weekend.

In this situation, engaging in friendly relations with the neighbors is like raising a pig you know you are going to slaughter (or in this case, you slaughter on a daily basis). Still, I was pretty tempted to ask her if they had found the Kama Sutra book yet.