Uluy

Here I am sitting at my desk browsing BBC.co.uk (read: searching for porn), and I hear some guy over there say, "Ugly...U-L-U-Y?". In case I thought I had imagined it, he then repeated it (again to no response). Maybe they didn't have time for "G" in his elementary class? They certainly spent ample time on the vowels - even the less popular ones. That's what education is all about: efficiency and practicality in teaching. There are a lot more "U"s than "G"s out there...it's a big world.

I also like to imagine that he was writing to his pen pal and he wanted to make sure he had all the spelling perfect because he didn't want to embarrass himself. It would be a good idea for him to use someone just learning English as a second language - that way if he does something wrong, not only will they not notice, but they will think it's correct and use it themselves. Our Neighbors: Polluting English one foreigner at a time. Here is an idea of how the letter went:

Jus had too rite quike noote abot last night theer wuz dis uluy bitch triing two get in my dick but i told her too FUCK OF!!!!!!!!! Yeah! hop u god.

Love, Simon [that's his pseudonym]

P.S. I sumtims dreem abot u.

I Only Beat Her When She Deserves It

I am going to attempt to describe what is happening right now. Let's just be clear: it's 4am on a TUESDAY night. I am up reading because I don't have a job right now. Here is what I'm not doing: waking up the entire neighborhood with drunken escapades bordering on domestic abuse.

One of the "women" next door is having a "conversation" with her "boyfriend." It might be 4.5 Drinks and Rat-A-Tat. I'm not going to look out the window because I don't like bullets, but our side door is open, so I can hear a lot. Regardless, as far as I can tell, he is repeatedly trying to leave in his truck and has been repeatedly told (by her) to leave in his truck. Sounds simple, right? Both parties seem to want to achieve the same end result via the same means. Incorrect.

Each time he starts the ignition, he turns it off after a few seconds. This has happened NO LESS than 10 times with cursing intermittent. I'm still trying to piece together what exactly is happening, but from the way he is shouting, "You psycho bitch!" after each time he starts his truck, I'm assuming she is doing something brilliant like standing in front of his truck. She is occasionally shouting things like, "Fucking Answer Me!" until he gets out of his car and probably places her elsewhere, after which her shouting becomes, "Fine, Leave!". The instant the ignition starts up again, she is in front of the truck again like the eternal stumbling block she is.

I actually got pretty scared at one point and even had to put my bookmark in my book (after many months of living next to them, I now just try to read through all commotion). It was when she started gasping like she was being choked and saying she couldn't feel her finger. This probably happened because he accidentally? slammed her finger in the door in one of his multiple escape attempts. This gave her a few rounds of extra sympathy: "[I'm not going to use his real name], look how swollen my finger is!"

She must've really been pie-eyed because I think she forgot about her finger only 2 truck starts later. Besides finger-slamming (which sounds a lot more fun in an altogether separate context), R-A-T experimented with the whiz-bang stratagem of blasting the horn repeatedly. If that doesn't work on deer, I don't understand why it would work on a drunk hooker with kids who are, by the way, "sleeping" in the house at this point. He tried the horn thing 3 times (each time blasting it at least a half dozen times) just in case there was anyone in the neighborhood who was still asleep.

Eventually she gave up and he left successfully. Well at least he's not drunk driving. Jesus.

Would It Be Possible for Any of Them to Eat a Salad From Time to Time?

On a recent jaunt into Thrilladelphia, I popped by 1Prime to exchange worn tee-shirts for new ones and pick up mail. I had a few interesting items in my pile, but mostly it was bills: power bill, gas bill ...houseboat bill.

(I expect one person to pick up on that reference and his dick is self-described as "awesome.")

To further promote the idea that I am a secret agent to the greater neighborhood, I donned reflective aviators the size of a training brassiere before heading up the sidewalk. As I traipsed up the familiar concrete steps, I noticed a NEW lady on The Neighbors' porch. I will have to consult with Suzie and Wolfgang (who actually may be dead, because I didn't see either of them during my brief stay) but I would like to christen her Codename: The Innertube, due to the tremendous jelly roll of belly fat emerging from her black tank top.