Window Speaker Disconnected

I finally had the nerve to open my bedroom window shade today. Granted, I had to engage in some liquid courage beforehand, but the end result was the same (that justification doesn't even make sense). And the window was definitely open at the top, which would account for why the best notes I took were when I was trying to sleep. This blog may suffer because of it, but my REM will thank me. Maybe we'll just set up a permanent webcam outside and hire interns to watch it 'round the clock. Please send all inquiries to "The House with the High Weeds next to the House with the High Decibels."

The Klopek Korollary

I've been inordinately preoccupied with the thought of how much our current reality mirrors the 1989 classic "The 'Burbs."

For those of you slothful, uncultured jerks who haven't seen it (like Wolfgang), Tom Hanks plays Ray Peterson, a gentile family man living in a typical suburban neighborhood. Weird new neighbors move in next door and shatter the peaceful existence enjoyed by Ray and his friends Mark Rumsfield (Bruce Dern) and Art Weingartner (Rick Ducommun). The trio does what every self-respecting citizen would do - they snoop around and assume the worst about the mysterious Klopeks, infuriating Ray's wife Carol (Carrie Fisher) to no end. Once another neighbor is found to be missing (the elderly Walter played by Gale Gordon), Ray and friends plunge into full-on gumshoe mode, where they commit breaking-and-entering crimes, conduct on-site investigations and disrespect all modicums of privacy.

The film's story follows the slow progression of Ray Peterson's belief that the Klopeks are inherently evil. (Figure I)

Ray is willing to make excuses for the Klopeks and refuses to be caught up in the harebrained conspiracies spun by Mark and Art. He's willing to play off the bee attack as mere coincidence and still does not want to get involved during the "Jeopardy!" scene. In fact, he continues to defend the Klopeks even after witnessing the power surge and Hans banging the hell out of the garbage in the middle of the night.

That is, however, until the Vince the dog finds the femur. (Figure II)

Ray is now convinced that the Klopeks have murdered Walter. When confronted with the same evidence, Art now backs off his previous claims and becomes a lily-livered nancyboy apologist. Mark remains consistently insane throughout this transition.

To tie this into our WTFN reality, The Klopeks are quiet and mysterious in every way that The Neighbors are boisterous and blatant about the inner workings of their lives. Where the Klopeks are decidedly non-Slavic, The Neighbors are decidedly white trash. Where the Klopeks murder and have a crematorium in their basement, The Neighbors murder and have a crematorium in their basement (probably).

The inhabitants of 1Prime are a symbiotic amalgamation of the 21st century version of Ricky Butler and Post-Femur Discovery Ray. Like Ricky, we are consciously observing (and enjoying) the overt insanity but are removed from it (that is, of course, until Wolfgang starts his lawn-mowing job).

In summation, WTFN itself is an electronic manifestation of the pizza party thrown by Ricky in the penultimate scene. Class dismissed.

Codename Update

Newsflash:

After another glance, the staff of WTFN is considering re-dubbing Five Drinks to Four Drinks.

Or maybe I just grabbed the wrong bottle for my pre-work virgin mimosa.

hahahahahahahahaha

Wolfgang just received a $75 ticket for a High Weeds violation in our front yard.

I'm not going to even make a pot joke here, choosing to revel in the fact that he's currently pricing lawn mowers (with actual engines!) and weed whackers online.

Lawn-mowing party at 1Prime!

Florida: The Motorcycle Mecca

After finally escaping the monster that is known as “real life,” I am back to posting. And by “real life” I mean watching every single episode of Star Trek before watching the movie. I was going to write the rest of this post in Klingon, but they didn’t have a Klingon font that I really liked (Arial Klingon Narrow is only so-so).

Our summer housemate, “Suzie” (or as Josh likes to call him, “summer JoshO!”) took the following notes yesterday while Josh & I were embroiled in an afternoon of espionage. The first observation was Rat-A-Tat on the phone about how he wants to go down to Florida and “ride his hog.” Going down to Florida and riding your motorbicycle is exactly the same as riding it up here. Contrary to popular belief, the sun sets everywhere. It would be much more cost-efficient to paint a back-drop of a Florida sunset in the driveway. I was going to tell him as much, biker to biker, but my chopper is in the shop (getting new flame decals).

A couple hours later, Suzie looked out the window to see 5 girls playing in the yard. I fully support children having playdates with classmates, but aren’t you supposed to look into the host child’s parents? When meeting other parents, maybe Helga hired an actor to play her. I hear there’s lots of work for actors in these days of financial turmoil. The actor probably got paid in cigarettes.

Upon closer inspection, it was revealed that one of the “girls” was actually a life-sized doll. Then what about the doll’s mother? There has to be some sort of organization against this. PETA already came by last week: they had received calls about too many animals locked up in one place (including Sloth from The Goonies). In further news, life-sized dolls are creepy as shit.

Additionally, Suzie reported that Calamity Jane was dressed in an inappropriately short camo skirt which was blowing dangerously in the wind. This is most likely an elaborate FBI trap for pedophiles that Helga was running point on. To the untrained eye, it looks as though she is on the phone, not paying any attention to any of the girls (it’s not like they need to be watched: the big ones can look after the smaller ones). To keep up continuity, she is talking about going down to Florida. She’s not buying a round-trip ticket though because she doesn’t know when she wants to return. My vote is for never. Doesn’t she have work or something? She’s pumped out so many kids she probably gets by on child support. She probably even thinks the doll is another $400 a month for her.

Fast Forward To 3:24

I overheard yet another outdoor argument today. This one, however, was of a different vintage. Instead of the usual Charlie Brown's teacher vocal quality, this shouting match was more reminiscent of the synthesizer solo in Emerson, Lake and Palmer's "Lucky Man."

They Ran In While You Ran Out

I awoke to the familiar sounds of the Sears Carpet and Upholstery van hard at work next door.  My middle school bus stop was in front of El Cholo's Mexican restaurant in Johnson City, NY - the same El Cholo's Mexican restaurant in Johnson City, NY that featured all-you-can-drink Margaritas every Wednesday evening.  Coincidentally, the car carpet cleaners were already cleaning the vomit stains when we arrived at the bus stop on Thursdays.

I can only hope that these brave Sears Carpet and Upholstery cleaners are successful in their intrepid mission to clean up the goat blood from Calamity Jane's ritual sacrifice to the god Ba'al.  Please Lord, keep their blue tubes of suction safe in times of peril and deliver our brave Sears Carpet and Upholstery cleaners from every harm and wile of Satan.  

These cleaners are the Real Heroes; not local law enforcement, one-legged Sudanese basketball players or volunteer firefighters.  Real heroes who put their well-being on the line every day of every year while protecting the carpets of the world from the insurgence of coffee stains.  

Never forget.