Florida: The Motorcycle Mecca

After finally escaping the monster that is known as “real life,” I am back to posting. And by “real life” I mean watching every single episode of Star Trek before watching the movie. I was going to write the rest of this post in Klingon, but they didn’t have a Klingon font that I really liked (Arial Klingon Narrow is only so-so).

Our summer housemate, “Suzie” (or as Josh likes to call him, “summer JoshO!”) took the following notes yesterday while Josh & I were embroiled in an afternoon of espionage. The first observation was Rat-A-Tat on the phone about how he wants to go down to Florida and “ride his hog.” Going down to Florida and riding your motorbicycle is exactly the same as riding it up here. Contrary to popular belief, the sun sets everywhere. It would be much more cost-efficient to paint a back-drop of a Florida sunset in the driveway. I was going to tell him as much, biker to biker, but my chopper is in the shop (getting new flame decals).

A couple hours later, Suzie looked out the window to see 5 girls playing in the yard. I fully support children having playdates with classmates, but aren’t you supposed to look into the host child’s parents? When meeting other parents, maybe Helga hired an actor to play her. I hear there’s lots of work for actors in these days of financial turmoil. The actor probably got paid in cigarettes.

Upon closer inspection, it was revealed that one of the “girls” was actually a life-sized doll. Then what about the doll’s mother? There has to be some sort of organization against this. PETA already came by last week: they had received calls about too many animals locked up in one place (including Sloth from The Goonies). In further news, life-sized dolls are creepy as shit.

Additionally, Suzie reported that Calamity Jane was dressed in an inappropriately short camo skirt which was blowing dangerously in the wind. This is most likely an elaborate FBI trap for pedophiles that Helga was running point on. To the untrained eye, it looks as though she is on the phone, not paying any attention to any of the girls (it’s not like they need to be watched: the big ones can look after the smaller ones). To keep up continuity, she is talking about going down to Florida. She’s not buying a round-trip ticket though because she doesn’t know when she wants to return. My vote is for never. Doesn’t she have work or something? She’s pumped out so many kids she probably gets by on child support. She probably even thinks the doll is another $400 a month for her.