Apropos Of Nothing (A Reflection For The Weekend)

And now, WTFN's new mission statement/Christmas card, courtesy of Mr. Ghostface Killah (formerly of the Wu-Tang Clan):

"I don’t sell crack, yo. I ain’t movin’ no bricks or none of that other shit. I ain’t shoot nobody in like…since the early 90’s, man. How long you gonna be 40 years old and actin’ like you still sellin’ cracks and you on the block and you doin’ this and you doin’ that when times is more serious, man. We in a fuckin’ recession, B! Ain’t nobody gettin’ no money, man!"

(courtesy of Unkut and bg5000)

Helga Wears The Pants (And The Strap-Ons)

As previously mentioned, we've added another member to the hallowed hallways of 1Prime. Suzie has joined WTFN as an unpaid intern for the summer. His responsibilities will be numerous and weighty: keeping Wolfgang company during the long, lonely summer nights while I am abroad.

Actually, that should read: "a broad."

Yes, I'm pleased to announce that I'm finally becoming a lady by elective surgery.

While we were out tending to secret agent business, Suzie put down his Rolling Stone magazine and witnessed the following:

Rat-a-Tat was just rebuked by Helga for inappropriate activities in the driveway. Helga accosted him trying to ride a four year old's bicycle in a rare and refreshing display of jocularity. Helga vehemently pointed out the physical absurdity of this stunt: the byclcle in question has a weight limit of fifty pounds while Rat-a-Tat tips the scales at well over two bills.

Rat-a-Tat clearly should have had the sense not to try this dangerous activity in the first place, but instead of listening to Helga's reasoning - he continued to ride the bicycle up and down the driveway, determined to show Helga that it could support his girth. Not to be outdone, she continued to berate him as though he were a defiant elementary school student.

Details are beginning to emerge about the pecking order next door. Helga is clearly the Alpha Female over there, dominating by sheer volume all of the underlings in her ward: Calamity Jane, Shadow, Doggy and the hapless (and newly emasculated) Rat-a-Tat. After this display, it's clear that he's just another child or pet to heap abuse upon.

Texts From Last Night II

2:01:04 am Bon Jodi: "U will never guess what we just saw next door"

2:01:36 am Bon Jodi: "I think it's Five Drinks but she was giving a guy a lap dance"

!!!

Wolfgang is mowing the lawn!!!!!

Sunday Scooby Snacks

There's a half-dead bird on our side porch. Or rather, it's half of a full-dead bird. I'm trying to decide who got to it first: the creepy old "cat" guy and his hordes of cats on the other side of our building, or Calamity Jane. If it did come from The Neighbors, this is the conversation that took place beforehand:

[Shadow, Doggy, & Calamity Jane are hanging out smoking a joint]

S: "Bro, I bet you won't eat that dead bird."
CJ: "Yo man, you craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazy!! What do I get?"
S: "I'll give you a half can of Alpo and you can pee on my territory."
CJ: "Alright, but not the whole thing..what if I just take a bite?"
S: "Stop being such a fucking pussy; if you are going to do it, do it right."
CJ: "Fine, what if I do half then?"
S: "OK."
D: "I'm so fucking high right now."
CJ: "OK, but you have to let me sleep in the house again."
D: "Did you guys ever think that clouds are actually just God's cotton swabs?"
S: "Fine, then you have to go half in on an 8-ball with me tonight."
CJ: "Deal."