Helga Wears The Pants (And The Strap-Ons)

As previously mentioned, we've added another member to the hallowed hallways of 1Prime. Suzie has joined WTFN as an unpaid intern for the summer. His responsibilities will be numerous and weighty: keeping Wolfgang company during the long, lonely summer nights while I am abroad.

Actually, that should read: "a broad."

Yes, I'm pleased to announce that I'm finally becoming a lady by elective surgery.

While we were out tending to secret agent business, Suzie put down his Rolling Stone magazine and witnessed the following:

Rat-a-Tat was just rebuked by Helga for inappropriate activities in the driveway. Helga accosted him trying to ride a four year old's bicycle in a rare and refreshing display of jocularity. Helga vehemently pointed out the physical absurdity of this stunt: the byclcle in question has a weight limit of fifty pounds while Rat-a-Tat tips the scales at well over two bills.

Rat-a-Tat clearly should have had the sense not to try this dangerous activity in the first place, but instead of listening to Helga's reasoning - he continued to ride the bicycle up and down the driveway, determined to show Helga that it could support his girth. Not to be outdone, she continued to berate him as though he were a defiant elementary school student.

Details are beginning to emerge about the pecking order next door. Helga is clearly the Alpha Female over there, dominating by sheer volume all of the underlings in her ward: Calamity Jane, Shadow, Doggy and the hapless (and newly emasculated) Rat-a-Tat. After this display, it's clear that he's just another child or pet to heap abuse upon.