The Debriefing (Epic Phone Call Part III)

At this point, the telephone conversation ends, but she proceeds to regurgitate both sides of the entire conversation to someone else on the porch (I assume it was Five Drinks). The funniest part about this is that when she repeats her lines, she emphasizes how clever she is. I can’t even describe it; I wish I had had some sort of audio recording device. It’s like her normal state of being is 15 beers in (or maybe she was just actually 15 beers in). For you Math-heads out there, that’s 3 x 5-Beers (...and even then.....). She also is explaining it to Five Drinks as you would explain something to a very young child. I bet she practices in the mirror (diss!).

So from what I can gather she was talking to some guy who also seems to be having relationship woes (possibly with Five Drinks). I won’t mention his name because I want plausible deniability when they find this blog and take us to court, but let me assure you it’s a ridiculous name that no one would actually ever christen their child with.*

Here are a couple of lines she reiterates to her lucky audience of Five Drinks & I (though we are supposedly separated by at least 20 feet and a wall that I am becoming more and more convinced is composed entirely of sticks):

“She didn’t want to live with your parents”

I don't think she actually said this out loud to man-with-preposterous-name; she was merely venting her thoughts (or whatever passes in her case) to a grave and somber or wasted Five Drinks. For the first time since we began this blog, I can fully agree with Helga. Three people in a trailer is OK, but 4 is intolerable. She would probably have to sleep above the back wheel and orgies with your parents are never fun unless it's dress-up night. How could you expect the parents to keep up anyway? It'd be like trying to run Halo 3 with Windows 3.1.

“Everyone hates my husband; everyone in the world hates my husband. My husband is a terrible father.”

Now here I'm pretty sure she is talking about her own (ex?) husband. Forgive me for stating the obvious, but if Codename: Helga thinks her husband is a terrible parent, then she must have married Vlad The Impaler. Or a toaster-oven. Actually, a hot breakfast everyday without fail would have probably been a godsend for these kids.


*OK, if you really really really want to know, email wtfneighbor@gmail.com and I will tell you