The Day I Made Contact

This actually happened a few days ago (Sunday to be exact), but I had forgotten about it. This is most likely because my notes are taken on anything I can find, so throwing out napkins can sometimes mean throwing out valuable information. I could be wiping my face with untold hilarity without even knowing it.

So I was taking the trash out and Five Drinks is sitting on her porch.

She says, “Excuse me, is today trash day?”
I say, “Yeah, Monday is trash and recycling”
Her, “Thanks.”

The only curve-ball I threw her was the mentioning of recycling. I’m sure Helga and crew document their carbon footprint on a daily basis and go around asking people to donate money to the environment (I did this once and it’s the most depressing job I’ve ever had). If I go through their recycling one day and find all their trash and recycling properly sorted, I will volunteer 15 hours at a local charity this summer. This is even more exciting than that guy who made that Facebook group that started all Facebook groups about the threesome with his girlfriend or whatever. I wonder if they felt like they were making history when the threesome commenced. I suppose I’d be honored to be the third person in that threesome. You might even be in a textbook someday, and who doesn’t want that? I think that’s only reason why Obama ran.

I’m almost disappointed that my first interaction with the neighbors was so pleasantly neighborly and normal. So fuck it, let me tell you what really happened: Helga comes out in sumo-wrestling-dominatrix costume with wolverine claws and slices open her heart. Then she starts grinding on her innards which are spilling out all over the place until they are all ground into the pavement. Then she eats Calamity Jane in a huge hamburger bun with sesame seeds. Too ridiculous for you? Give it time: they just moved in and it doesn’t look like they are going to get any less ludicrous anytime soon.