The Neighbors Want To Move.....HERE

No updates in awhile? Sorry, off uncovering the secrets of 9-11. You let me know if keeping you safe at night isn’t more important than this blog. You let me know.

Back to things. Let me tell you how it started. I am the landlord of this building and I’m trying to rent the apartments upstairs. Among other things, I have a “For Rent” sign outside with my number on it. I got a call this morning from someone asking about the apartment. Pretty normal; I get a couple calls about it everyday.

Except it’s Helga.

Me: “Hi…..”
Her: “Hi…..”
Me: “Hi…..”

First of all: if you call someone else, YOU need to be the one to explain why you are calling. Contrary to what you (read: she) may have gleaned from popular culture, you DO NOT have to wait for me to say, “Can I help you?” or “How may I direct your call today?” Was she expecting an automated system? Did I confuse her by being a person? If so, it probably reminded her of the first time she peed a child.

Eventually we got around to dialogue. At first, I just thought it was someone random calling about the apartment. Then she drops this knowledge bomb on me:

Her: “Oh, I actually live right next door.”
Me: “Oh…..[mild shock/panic starts to set in]…..what floor?”
Her: “First."
Me: “Oh. OK [now eyes bulging and I am attacking josho! at his desk trying to get him to understand while frantically motioning out the window].”
Her: “Do you live on the first floor?”
Me: “[Grudgingly]….Yes.”
Her: “Oh, OK, I think I’ve met you [“Oh, OK, I think you write a blog about me and say terrible things about me and my Nazi youth league friends”]."
Her: “Do your light switches work?”
Me: “What?”
Her: “Do your light switches work?.....Like when you turn them on?"
Me: “Yes.”

She went on to explain how her landlord doesn’t fix things. I should have just told her "No": "No, the light switches don't work. In fact, nothing over here works. Actually, it's not even an apartment really - more like a big empty pit. Like the kind you might find dinosaurs in." Instead I simply assured her that apartment was entirely with electricity: something that has become extremely popular in 2010.

So I told her that I can show her the apartment at 7 pm on Thursday (which is today). She said OK. Then she said, “Wait, today is Thursday.” Dammit. Couldn’t get that one by her. In truth, I was so mind-flustered that I forgot what day it was. We shared a brief chuckle and then scheduled the showing for 7 pm on Friday (tomorrow). Then we hung up and I collapsed on the floor.


THERE ARE STILL MORE THINGS AHEAD.


As I’m lying on the floor and going over the conversation with josho!, I got another call. This happened 7 minutes after I received the initial call (I checked the time), so I immediately worried that it was Helga calling back because she'd forgotten to ask if the apartment had running water or more than 2 walls. I steeled my nerve (it's a word: buy a dictionary) and glanced at the phone. *Whew!* It was a different number.

I picked up the phone. It was another woman.

She mentioned that she lives next door to me. "First floor?" "First floor." It’s Five Drinks.

How is this even possible? For a split second, I consider the possibility that someone was playing a joke on me. Upon a further think, I dismissed that idea because (a) josho! or anyone else wouldn’t have had the nerve to interact with them at such a close range without first checking with CDC and getting a variety of immunizations and probably some psych training too and (b) The Neighbors themselves certainly weren't capable of such a premeditated, multi-step plan (unless they really are spies like we’ve sometimes surmised).

I mentioned to her that I just got a call from there: “Your…..roommate [I chose not to refer to her as the loud, abusive, delusional fatty who chases the sun away whenever she comes outside] must’ve just called me.” Now here is where it gets interesting. Five Drinks ignored that comment and went on about how she’s going to be living alone. She even stressed that she would be "just by herself" and that she has a steady job and can afford it [josho! will go into more detail about her job].

This raises a number of questions. Was Helga aware of this call? Did Five Drinks call because Helga had just called? Are Five Drinks and Helga on the outs? The winter has been pretty quiet (except for a couple incidents that will one day be posted), so josho! & I concluded that some element of their former lifestyle has been removed. Did Rat-A-Tat vacate/get his ponytail stuck in his chopper? Did they finally eat Doggy? Did the girls get shipped off to boarding school (or juvie as would more likely be the case)? Will I accidentally call Helga "Helga" and Five Drinks "Five Drinks" when I SHOW THEM THE APARTMENT THAT I HAVE NO INTENTION OF RENTING THEM TOMORROW?

I scheduled to show Five Drinks the apartment right after Helga (7:30 pm so I get in enough time with Helga beforehand - I'm probably the first person to want to get in "enough time" with her). Tune in this weekend for the (probably boring and anti-climactic) results!

I hope Helga brings Calamity Jane.