Helga Uses the Strap-On

This afternoon I heard Helga yelling at and lecturing somebody in the side yard. The shade was over the window so initially I could not see who she was yelling at but it sounded like one of the children had done something naughty and was now suffering the wrath of Helga. She was looking especially scary today with multiple tattoos visible, shorts a fit young college girl should have been wearing, a tank top, and the required cigarette in her mouth/hand.

It all began with Helga yelling, "I"m furious", followed by, "You had no right to do that. I'm fucking pissed." Nice language for our quiet little neighborhood. The next sentence was "Why did you use her phone to call Joe?" At this point I became curious about who exactly was at the receiving end of this altercation. I opened the door quietly and saw that she was yelling at Rat-A-Tat in the same manner that she had about a month ago when she caught him riding the child's bike.

I was rather shocked that he had once again pissed off the scary smoke breathing dragon he for some reason lives with despite his previous humiliation. She continued, "This has nothing to do with Joe and Five Drinks, it is between you and her mother and her brother." Now I don't know what the issue was that concerned these people or why poor Joe had been forcibly made aware of the situation through the unauthorized phone call on Five Drinks phone. It was apparent that Helga was very upset about it and had decided to fix the problem for Five Drinks perhaps because she is not mature enough yet to yell.

As if this lecture wasn't emasculating enough Helga stood there and watched him call Joe and apologize for whatever he had told Joe about or done to Joe or whatever just like when a mother watches one of her children until they apologize to the other because they stole a stuffed animal. Joe did not answer but Rat-A-Tat left a voice mail in a very sheepish voice saying he needed to talk to Joe about something.

This all went to prove that not only does Helga wear the pants and the strap-on, she has no problem using it and doesn't even care if she uses any lube.

Last Night's Phone Conversation

10:33 PM Tuesday

5 Drinks comes out on the stoop to have her phone conversation at near shouting levels so the whole neighborhood can hear. The following are some of the highlights:

5 Drinks: "What you doing?"
5D accusatory: "Why didn't you answer my call?"
Guy responds
5D coyly: "What are you doing?"
Guy Responds
5D upset: "What took you so long (to call me back)?"
Guy Responds
5D explains: "I'm actually here by myself, they went over to ..."
At this point I was shocked because this meant that the other neighbors had actually had somewhere to go for an evening.
Also at this point I assumed she was talking to her boyfriend and was perhaps inviting him over to have sex, an assumption I thought was confirmed by the next statement.
5D: "I'm wearing knickers (seriously, who uses that word?) and a black shirt."
Guy responds negatively
5D snaps: "Excuse me if I don't look good I'm just here with boyfriend, what do you expect?"

This is where I got a little lost as it became apparent she was not talking to her boyfriend unless she has multiple men. I guess that wouldn't be all that surprising since it seems most of the guys who have been over there regularly consume more than five drinks in a sitting.

Unfortunately the rest of the conversation is unknown because she returned to the kitchen, perhaps to get her present boyfriend a sixth drink to make up for her less than appealing outfit.

A New Version of the Penis Game?

Hello readers,
I want to briefly introduce myself as I make my first WTFN? post. My name is Suze and I am the summer intern here at WTFN? With JOSHO! gone for the summer doing activities with young children (read that as you will) it was decided that Wolfgang would require some additional assistance. So, I have agreed to work here for no pay. Essentially my job is to sit around the apartment, especially when Wolfgang is gone or sleeping and observe the neighbors. Earlier I was relegated to only taking notes and reporting to Wolfgang and JOSHO! but with JOSHO!'s absence and Wolfgang's recent lack of posts I have been given permission to actually write some things on my own. Anyway, enough about me, it's time to report on the most recent activities next door.

Early this afternoon as I was sitting on the side porch reading my magazine and enjoying my lunch I witnessed a few interesting events. First, there were two strange cars in the driveway which is surprising considering the number of vehicles that are regularly seen parked there. After they departed a young man and woman who could be most accurately described as white trash-y strolled up. They were inside for about 15 minutes and then both emerged holding open bottles of Miller Lite and proceeded to walk down the street. Mind you this is at about 1:15 pm on a Monday. I'm all for acloholic behavior but...

I returned to my lunch and article about Jay Leno when I was again distracted this time by a familiar tan sedan returning next door. Driven by Rat-A-Tat with Five Drinks riding shotgun it came to a stop and both emerged from the car. Immediately after exiting Rat-A-Tat shouted "GRAB MY COCK!" eliciting laughter from Five Drinks. At this point they were unaware of my presence. Five Drinks asked him where that came from to which he responded, "I dunno it just kind of bubbled up." They then walked onto their own side porch and as they reached the door Five Drinks said, "Do it again or I won't let you inside". The odd thing was at this point I know they were aware of my presence because Five Drinks was staring right at me. Rat-A-Tat then screamed "GRAB MY COCK!" again and was allowed inside the apartment where they could be heard giggling. Based on the behavior of the earlier guests I'm guessing they may have been fucked up in some way, or at least that's what I'm telling myself to explain their actions.

In any event, it appears the neighbors may have just invented a new version of a game I used to play as a child (read until last month when I graduated college) called the penis game. The only object was to yell penis louder than your opponent, preferably in a public place. It remains to be seen if GRAB MY COCK! will become a staple game next door or if it was just bizarre anomalous behavior.

grab my cock

Thanks To Landlord Called "Dead", I'm Now Homeless

Somebody go over to 1Prime and see if Wolfgang or Suzie are still alive or if they've been tied up near the furnance by Calamity Jane. The rest of us will wait here.

Who's Having Pancakes?

::audience applauds::

Thank you, thank you, you're far too kind!

And now, for my next trick, I'd like to perform...

(dramatic pause)

...an...

(dramatic pause)

...impression for you all.

::audience "oohs" and "ahhs"::

I've been working on it for quite some time. I will need complete and utter silence. It's entitled "My Sweatstains With the Bathroom Window Closed and the Dryer Running on High (Arms Aloft version)"

::audience gasps::

Here we go...

| 0 | | 0 |

::audience erupts into wild applause and cheers::

Hitting Newstands In August

While I was fetching something out of my car I heard an incensed Helga exhorting one of the Little Girls to "Be nice! Be nice!"

It's rare that anything from over there can inspire something other than creative delight or pity, but this Utopian sentiment got my thought train to leave the station.

And so, I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to the photographer from 'Yunk Hunk magazine. I do realize that you were only doing your job and wouldn't ask me to lather my thighs in canola oil unless it was professionally required. I'm also sorry for the scissorkicks and what I did to your bearskin rug.

Apropos Of Nothing (A Reflection For The Weekend)

And now, WTFN's new mission statement/Christmas card, courtesy of Mr. Ghostface Killah (formerly of the Wu-Tang Clan):

"I don’t sell crack, yo. I ain’t movin’ no bricks or none of that other shit. I ain’t shoot nobody in like…since the early 90’s, man. How long you gonna be 40 years old and actin’ like you still sellin’ cracks and you on the block and you doin’ this and you doin’ that when times is more serious, man. We in a fuckin’ recession, B! Ain’t nobody gettin’ no money, man!"

(courtesy of Unkut and bg5000)

Helga Wears The Pants (And The Strap-Ons)

As previously mentioned, we've added another member to the hallowed hallways of 1Prime. Suzie has joined WTFN as an unpaid intern for the summer. His responsibilities will be numerous and weighty: keeping Wolfgang company during the long, lonely summer nights while I am abroad.

Actually, that should read: "a broad."

Yes, I'm pleased to announce that I'm finally becoming a lady by elective surgery.

While we were out tending to secret agent business, Suzie put down his Rolling Stone magazine and witnessed the following:

Rat-a-Tat was just rebuked by Helga for inappropriate activities in the driveway. Helga accosted him trying to ride a four year old's bicycle in a rare and refreshing display of jocularity. Helga vehemently pointed out the physical absurdity of this stunt: the byclcle in question has a weight limit of fifty pounds while Rat-a-Tat tips the scales at well over two bills.

Rat-a-Tat clearly should have had the sense not to try this dangerous activity in the first place, but instead of listening to Helga's reasoning - he continued to ride the bicycle up and down the driveway, determined to show Helga that it could support his girth. Not to be outdone, she continued to berate him as though he were a defiant elementary school student.

Details are beginning to emerge about the pecking order next door. Helga is clearly the Alpha Female over there, dominating by sheer volume all of the underlings in her ward: Calamity Jane, Shadow, Doggy and the hapless (and newly emasculated) Rat-a-Tat. After this display, it's clear that he's just another child or pet to heap abuse upon.

Texts From Last Night II

2:01:04 am Bon Jodi: "U will never guess what we just saw next door"

2:01:36 am Bon Jodi: "I think it's Five Drinks but she was giving a guy a lap dance"

!!!

Wolfgang is mowing the lawn!!!!!

Sunday Scooby Snacks

There's a half-dead bird on our side porch. Or rather, it's half of a full-dead bird. I'm trying to decide who got to it first: the creepy old "cat" guy and his hordes of cats on the other side of our building, or Calamity Jane. If it did come from The Neighbors, this is the conversation that took place beforehand:

[Shadow, Doggy, & Calamity Jane are hanging out smoking a joint]

S: "Bro, I bet you won't eat that dead bird."
CJ: "Yo man, you craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazy!! What do I get?"
S: "I'll give you a half can of Alpo and you can pee on my territory."
CJ: "Alright, but not the whole thing..what if I just take a bite?"
S: "Stop being such a fucking pussy; if you are going to do it, do it right."
CJ: "Fine, what if I do half then?"
S: "OK."
D: "I'm so fucking high right now."
CJ: "OK, but you have to let me sleep in the house again."
D: "Did you guys ever think that clouds are actually just God's cotton swabs?"
S: "Fine, then you have to go half in on an 8-ball with me tonight."
CJ: "Deal."

I Now Check Zero Dependents

While recently having lunch with our friends Lucas and Leah, we discussed how Philadelphia is a very liberal legal town.  It's a veritable wild west of people breaking leases, shooting folks without consequences, and (most vividly expressed in the example of The Neighbors): rearing children (and pets) in an unsuitable climate, devoid of love and/or compassion, without repercussions.  There's great lawyers in this city that can get you out of ANYthing.  And I mean, EH-NEH-THING.

I have four kids in Rhode Island but then I moved to Philly and I'm not even their dad anymore!

Stale Bubblegum For All My Friends (One Piece)

Have you ever been fascinated with the topic-generated advertisements (pronounced in the British manner) Google places in the bottom right corner of WTFN?

...

...No?

Pity.

(That was a snappy attempt to start a post with a "rhetorical question".  Literary devices!)

(Don't judge, I went to a state school.)

On a recent perusal of the blog (one of the 1231092094922 times I check it daily - just slightly more than my reading list of pathetic sporting blogs) I was tickled in my Laff Zone to see four (4) ads for "Phone Call Recording" and one (1) ad for "trash/recycling."  I think our blog really appeals to Nixon-era espionage and "waste management" fans, not to mention erudite aficionados de comedie.  

We also have generated a whole 28 cents in revenue since launching this lil' ditty, so hat's off to YOU, faithful reader!  YOU made this 28 cents possible!

Stick And/Or Move (Away)

It's time for Helga to give the Little Girls a ride to school, or in Calamity Jane's case the Al Queda "Kidz 4 Allah" workshop.  It's of no surprise to anyone that the song issuing forth from the car stereo is that terrible and raunchy re-make of the Dead or Alive classic* "You Spin Me Round (Like A Record)."

Added Bonus:  Helga is wearing a grey sweatshirt AND grey sweatpants, which is one of the most convincing Rocky costumes I've ever been associated with.  I'm going to space out for the next few hours and imagine her punching cuts of beef.

*Who does Mr. "Flo-Rida" think he is to monkey with a masterpiece of '80s culture and then go for the shock value of a thinly-veiled fellatio reference in the hook?  The veterans of '80s Night at the Fuze Box in Albany must be rolling over in their Syphilis-induced graves.