Helga Wears The Pants (And The Strap-Ons)

As previously mentioned, we've added another member to the hallowed hallways of 1Prime. Suzie has joined WTFN as an unpaid intern for the summer. His responsibilities will be numerous and weighty: keeping Wolfgang company during the long, lonely summer nights while I am abroad.

Actually, that should read: "a broad."

Yes, I'm pleased to announce that I'm finally becoming a lady by elective surgery.

While we were out tending to secret agent business, Suzie put down his Rolling Stone magazine and witnessed the following:

Rat-a-Tat was just rebuked by Helga for inappropriate activities in the driveway. Helga accosted him trying to ride a four year old's bicycle in a rare and refreshing display of jocularity. Helga vehemently pointed out the physical absurdity of this stunt: the byclcle in question has a weight limit of fifty pounds while Rat-a-Tat tips the scales at well over two bills.

Rat-a-Tat clearly should have had the sense not to try this dangerous activity in the first place, but instead of listening to Helga's reasoning - he continued to ride the bicycle up and down the driveway, determined to show Helga that it could support his girth. Not to be outdone, she continued to berate him as though he were a defiant elementary school student.

Details are beginning to emerge about the pecking order next door. Helga is clearly the Alpha Female over there, dominating by sheer volume all of the underlings in her ward: Calamity Jane, Shadow, Doggy and the hapless (and newly emasculated) Rat-a-Tat. After this display, it's clear that he's just another child or pet to heap abuse upon.

Sunday Scooby Snacks

There's a half-dead bird on our side porch. Or rather, it's half of a full-dead bird. I'm trying to decide who got to it first: the creepy old "cat" guy and his hordes of cats on the other side of our building, or Calamity Jane. If it did come from The Neighbors, this is the conversation that took place beforehand:

[Shadow, Doggy, & Calamity Jane are hanging out smoking a joint]

S: "Bro, I bet you won't eat that dead bird."
CJ: "Yo man, you craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazy!! What do I get?"
S: "I'll give you a half can of Alpo and you can pee on my territory."
CJ: "Alright, but not the whole thing..what if I just take a bite?"
S: "Stop being such a fucking pussy; if you are going to do it, do it right."
CJ: "Fine, what if I do half then?"
S: "OK."
D: "I'm so fucking high right now."
CJ: "OK, but you have to let me sleep in the house again."
D: "Did you guys ever think that clouds are actually just God's cotton swabs?"
S: "Fine, then you have to go half in on an 8-ball with me tonight."
CJ: "Deal."

Roy Rogers Restaurants - Do They Still Exist?

Helga just aimed a steady barrage of verbal commands at an unseen dog (probably that lumpy, gad-about spaz Doggy).  It's as though she expects her pets to respond like humans and comply to her throaty expectations.  That's more than slightly ironic, considering she can barely get the Little Girls to put down the assault rifles and Rat-a-Tat to take a shower.

Does she expect Doggy and Shadow to trot after her in bow tie and tails, lighting ciggys and catering to her every whim?  After they failed to guard the porno stash, it's clear these terrorists can't be trusted.

To Doggy and Shadow: one more gaffe and it's straight to the hamburger plant for both you mutts!

The Shadow Knows

So. New puppy. From what I've overheard of the wall-piercing chatter from next door, the new puppy's name is Shadow. Shadow is actually a pretty sweet name, which means he was named before they got him. Or maybe they picked a stupid name for him like Gerald and he told them to fuck off. Either way, Shadow is now my favorite character in the play next door.

That being said, I am concerned for Doggy. It's always tough when there's a younger, hotter addition to the family. I don't think the day is too far off when Doggy "runs away" and the neighbors enjoy a new color upon their food palate. I will miss his defiant spirit.

Here is Helga's updated hierarchy:

1. Her Car
   
2. Shadow
3. Cigarettes
4. Profanity
   
5. Montell
6. Geology
7. The Welsh Grape Juice Girl
8. Calamity Jane
9. Roach Eggs
10. Mad-Dog 20/20
    
11. Jean Shorts
12. Obtaining Nirvana
13. Doggy
14. The Dudley Boyz
15. Francophones
    
16. Little Girl #2
17. Thing #1
18. Spam Rewards Catalog
19. Chlamydia
    
20. Little Girl #3?
21. The XFL
    
22. Aaron Carter
    
23. Her Awesome Boyfriend

WTF, Dawg?

I have begun to take my notes in a format which reflects an announcer calling a game. Here is a sample of today’s action: The boyfriend attempts to leave in his truck, but the dog, ever rebellious, blocks his path. The boyfriend calls the dog, but to no avail. From the porch, Helga says, “Get the fuck out of the driveway,” and Doggy sits there for a moment before moving. After he moves she says, “fucking dog.”

I have half a mind to write to the humane society. I don’t understand how this poor woman has put up with this insufferable dog for all of these years. She made it very clear to him that she meant business and that he was to get out of the driveway and what does he do? He just stands there; the nerve! She even conveyed to him her impatience with the use of an expletive! This is some dog. If it were up to me, this obnoxious creature would be put down. Who does he think he is holding Codename Boyfriend up for his bi-hourly cigarette run? If the kids are going to ease their way into smoking, they need to be exposed consistently! Otherwise, they might not feel as cool the first time.

ALERT

There is now a THIRD girl playing outside with "Doggy"! They're multiplying like pod people or things that routinely multiply. Like Asians.

"BOOOOOOO!", the Insensitive Joke Police bellow from the rafters.

Typed Whilst Wearing Earmuffs

The pet next door "Doggy" is squealing like a pig with a pain in his tooth. It sounds like Cyndi Lauper being stuffed into a chipper-shredder.

Lunchtime Letdown

As I sit and eat my salad,

these infernal children are playing with their pet, appropriately named "Doggy." Outside-the box thinkers, these lasses. One of the girls goes on to exclaim "buh buh buh bump!" It's SO NICE that spring is finally here and open window weather is upon us.