Thanks For the Memories (And The Mammaries, Five Drinks)

Upon arriving home from Super Secret and Mischeivious Doings About Town, I just saw the following:

No, not the red Saturn. Look again, superguy.

...yes! A U-HAUL-STYLE TRUCK PARKED IN THEIR DRIVEY-WAY.

/blink blink

The Neighbors = HEREBY EVICTED

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Really, you guys!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But for why why why why? It has to be related to the recent visit from the heat, right? The imagination soars, my eyes become glassy and the jokes ferment.

I bet you're wondering if I took any more photos? Well, you bet your fuggy ass I did!!!!

So, that's just about it, huh? Leading scientists, historians and theologians will doubtlessly debate the actual cause for eviction in the coming decades. Meanwhile, Wolfgang and I will doubtlessly revel in the peace and/or quiet. Perhaps we'll play Scrabble.

Oh, does anyone out there want to buy their couch?

Thanks Be To Allah I Wasn't Watching Porn

Whilst recently enjoying some doctor-perscribed Down Tyme (ie. sitting upon the couch watching this week's episode of LOST), Wolfgang emerges from his Speaker Bedroom with slits for eyes and conspiratorially murmurs, "Do you hear that??"

What? (eyes glued to the tee vee)

"Do you hear that?," motioning to the open door facing The Neighbors.

No, I don't. (Subtext: Leave me be, so I can get back to this thrilling episode)

Wolfgang then proceeds to give me examples of the conversation he attributes to The Neighbors, who upon last glance, aren't even outside.

The snippets he's quoting are verbatim dialog from the program on the tee vee set.

****LOST JOKES ALERT****

-I, for one, would be fine calling them The Others.

-Helga vs. Five Drinks = Jacob vs. Esau

-Calamity Jane is my Constant.

-Rat-a-Tat refers to his penis as "The Black Rock."

-Their Dharma-sponsored food drops contain only Slim Jims, Mountain Dew and Crystal Meth.

-It's been tough to find the time to shout in the driveway recently because they need to stay inside and press the button every 108 minutes.

-The Neighbors are so dumb they actually like the character of Kate Austin (!)

The comments on this blog do not reflect those of producers of LOST, the American Broadcasting Company and its affiliates. Except the part about hating Kate.

Found: Kiddie Porn

While Wolfgang and I were out of the house performing our ritual Secret Agent duties, "Bon" Jodi from the second floor gleefully took notes as a maelstrom of shouting pierced the suburban silence.

Helga is furious at the brown-haired girl, now officially christened Codename Five Drinks, because she's marginally more attractive than Codename Misty.  But why is Helga shouting?

Oh, only because Five Drinks was looking at a porno, fell asleep and now said porno is missing, presumably snatched up by the children.

::blink blink::

Yes, I'll repeat that:

Five Drinks was looking at a porno, fell asleep and now said porno is missing, presumably snatched up by the children.

Helga took Five Drinks to task for being irresponsible and lazy NOT TO MENTION LEAVING A PORNO OUT FOR HER CHILDREN TO FIND.

Five Drinks countered with what any normal, sober and rational person would mention during a disagreement: she threatened to move out because, and I quote, "I'm not selfish, I'm not selfish, I'm not selfish, I'm not selfish, I'm not selfish, I'm not selfish, I'm not selfish, I'm not selfish, I'm not selfish, I'm not selfish."  

And for any of you who thinks she's lazy, she's got this nugget for you: "I ain't got nothing to wake up for today, if I'd have my kids I'd probably wake up earlier."