Thanks Be To Allah I Wasn't Watching Porn

Whilst recently enjoying some doctor-perscribed Down Tyme (ie. sitting upon the couch watching this week's episode of LOST), Wolfgang emerges from his Speaker Bedroom with slits for eyes and conspiratorially murmurs, "Do you hear that??"

What? (eyes glued to the tee vee)

"Do you hear that?," motioning to the open door facing The Neighbors.

No, I don't. (Subtext: Leave me be, so I can get back to this thrilling episode)

Wolfgang then proceeds to give me examples of the conversation he attributes to The Neighbors, who upon last glance, aren't even outside.

The snippets he's quoting are verbatim dialog from the program on the tee vee set.

****LOST JOKES ALERT****

-I, for one, would be fine calling them The Others.

-Helga vs. Five Drinks = Jacob vs. Esau

-Calamity Jane is my Constant.

-Rat-a-Tat refers to his penis as "The Black Rock."

-Their Dharma-sponsored food drops contain only Slim Jims, Mountain Dew and Crystal Meth.

-It's been tough to find the time to shout in the driveway recently because they need to stay inside and press the button every 108 minutes.

-The Neighbors are so dumb they actually like the character of Kate Austin (!)

The comments on this blog do not reflect those of producers of LOST, the American Broadcasting Company and its affiliates. Except the part about hating Kate.

Window Speaker Disconnected

I finally had the nerve to open my bedroom window shade today. Granted, I had to engage in some liquid courage beforehand, but the end result was the same (that justification doesn't even make sense). And the window was definitely open at the top, which would account for why the best notes I took were when I was trying to sleep. This blog may suffer because of it, but my REM will thank me. Maybe we'll just set up a permanent webcam outside and hire interns to watch it 'round the clock. Please send all inquiries to "The House with the High Weeds next to the House with the High Decibels."

I'd Be Interested To Hear What Jim Cantore Has To Say

With high temperatures in the 80s and 1Prime vacated this weekend, the neighbors will probably see fit to pull out all the proverbial stops in pursuit of abject hilarity.  A Bonnaroo of Absurdity will commence, with much of the same hygienic practices usually reserved for Tennessee being observed on the other side of the fence.

I consumed 14 oatmeal raisin cookies to reach a level of Nirvana whereby I would be able to accurately predict what will transpire this weekend.  Without any further ado:

-they will curse at their progeny

-random automobiles will arrive at all hours of the day and/or night

-pets will bark, yip, yelp and/or bray repeatedly

-they will "Get their Goose on"

-Wolfgang's Speaker Bedroom will broadcast some of the finest Top 40 hip-pop music known to mankind

-Helga will quit smoking ...hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

::wheeze::

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

-they will film a porno remake of the movie "Alive," subtitled "Eat This Meat."

Back on Sunday afternoon to once again carry the cumbersome torch of Neighborly Observation.  Maybe they'll cut our grass.