ALERT: The Police Visit The Neighbors!!!!111!!!1bbb!!!!!!

Would It Be Possible for Any of Them to Eat a Salad From Time to Time?

On a recent jaunt into Thrilladelphia, I popped by 1Prime to exchange worn tee-shirts for new ones and pick up mail. I had a few interesting items in my pile, but mostly it was bills: power bill, gas bill ...houseboat bill.

(I expect one person to pick up on that reference and his dick is self-described as "awesome.")

To further promote the idea that I am a secret agent to the greater neighborhood, I donned reflective aviators the size of a training brassiere before heading up the sidewalk. As I traipsed up the familiar concrete steps, I noticed a NEW lady on The Neighbors' porch. I will have to consult with Suzie and Wolfgang (who actually may be dead, because I didn't see either of them during my brief stay) but I would like to christen her Codename: The Innertube, due to the tremendous jelly roll of belly fat emerging from her black tank top.

Guaranteed To Make Your Neighbors Say "WTF?"

Hnk just passed this along from Craiggerslist:

Delivery Guy with a Funny Adult Delivery Twist
Will deliver pizzas, flowers or messages for you, and when they come to the door to answer, my pants will accidentally drop or your other suggestions..to give them a laugh and a delivery they won't soon forget!

This guy will Deliver Pizza, Flowers etc. & Ooops - will strip or whatever you wish. Fall Down at Delivery! Guy next door type, not a rockstar or musclehead, late 30's but attractive!) late 30's/early 40's (so very believable) available to play a memorable joke deliveryman on your friends. 

Throw in a spinning bow tie and a water-squirting flower in your lapel and you're hired to make contact!

Texts From Last Night

I have recently been turned onto the latest interwebs smash hit: Texts From Last Night, which got me to call my guy at Verizon to get a transcript of texts originating from the cell phones next door.

In addition to a number of texts proclaiming vehement innocence and ordering tuna-and-cheese pizzas, here were some other highlights:

(773):  "OMG my fucken kid stole the car AGAIN!!1!

(773):  "dont forget that extra pregnancy test and coathanger.  just in case"

(773):  "no asshole you've got it all wrong"

(845):  "fuck you bitch"

(773):  "2 cos (-5/6 pi + 2 n pi) + pi 2 sin (-5/6 pi + 2 n pi)"

(845):  "ohhhhhhh"

(773):  "El embarque de heroina sintetica y sexo peruano prepuber esclaviza llega el sabado.       Deseo mi deniro que jode!!!"

(773):  "dont those assclowns next door ever leave??  they must be secret agentz"

Found: Kiddie Porn

While Wolfgang and I were out of the house performing our ritual Secret Agent duties, "Bon" Jodi from the second floor gleefully took notes as a maelstrom of shouting pierced the suburban silence.

Helga is furious at the brown-haired girl, now officially christened Codename Five Drinks, because she's marginally more attractive than Codename Misty.  But why is Helga shouting?

Oh, only because Five Drinks was looking at a porno, fell asleep and now said porno is missing, presumably snatched up by the children.

::blink blink::

Yes, I'll repeat that:

Five Drinks was looking at a porno, fell asleep and now said porno is missing, presumably snatched up by the children.

Helga took Five Drinks to task for being irresponsible and lazy NOT TO MENTION LEAVING A PORNO OUT FOR HER CHILDREN TO FIND.

Five Drinks countered with what any normal, sober and rational person would mention during a disagreement: she threatened to move out because, and I quote, "I'm not selfish, I'm not selfish, I'm not selfish, I'm not selfish, I'm not selfish, I'm not selfish, I'm not selfish, I'm not selfish, I'm not selfish, I'm not selfish."  

And for any of you who thinks she's lazy, she's got this nugget for you: "I ain't got nothing to wake up for today, if I'd have my kids I'd probably wake up earlier."

James Obama 007

Today Helga was using the telephone communication system on her side porch as usual. They must not get reception anywhere else. Or perhaps the cellular waves interfere with the aluminum-heroin alloy they are developing in their living room. Anyway, at one point, Helga mentioned the area code 773 (Chicago) which led Josh & I to believe that she’s one of President Obama’s undercover agents. This happens on TV all the time (especially FOX) so there must be some merit to it: pretend to be supertrash so no one will pay any attention to you if they can help it and will actively try to ignore you (unless they are pathetic enough to take notes on every word you say and then show them to other people).

Maybe all this porch talk is just planting false information. Did you ever see that Pink Panther movie where they are talking to each other on the same line and Inspector Clouseau is listening on the same line? Then he sits in glue and things get silly, but I think our neighbors are better agents than that. At the very least, I'm sure they keep their glue right between the alcohol and the whippets where it belongs. I also overheard her mention the word “email” so it’s very possible that they do, in fact have/understand what computers are (or they are Amish agents trying to throw us off the trail again!).