Thanks For the Memories (And The Mammaries, Five Drinks)

Upon arriving home from Super Secret and Mischeivious Doings About Town, I just saw the following:

No, not the red Saturn. Look again, superguy.

...yes! A U-HAUL-STYLE TRUCK PARKED IN THEIR DRIVEY-WAY.

/blink blink

The Neighbors = HEREBY EVICTED

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Really, you guys!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But for why why why why? It has to be related to the recent visit from the heat, right? The imagination soars, my eyes become glassy and the jokes ferment.

I bet you're wondering if I took any more photos? Well, you bet your fuggy ass I did!!!!

So, that's just about it, huh? Leading scientists, historians and theologians will doubtlessly debate the actual cause for eviction in the coming decades. Meanwhile, Wolfgang and I will doubtlessly revel in the peace and/or quiet. Perhaps we'll play Scrabble.

Oh, does anyone out there want to buy their couch?

ALERT: The Police Visit The Neighbors!!!!111!!!1bbb!!!!!!

Thanks Be To Allah I Wasn't Watching Porn

Whilst recently enjoying some doctor-perscribed Down Tyme (ie. sitting upon the couch watching this week's episode of LOST), Wolfgang emerges from his Speaker Bedroom with slits for eyes and conspiratorially murmurs, "Do you hear that??"

What? (eyes glued to the tee vee)

"Do you hear that?," motioning to the open door facing The Neighbors.

No, I don't. (Subtext: Leave me be, so I can get back to this thrilling episode)

Wolfgang then proceeds to give me examples of the conversation he attributes to The Neighbors, who upon last glance, aren't even outside.

The snippets he's quoting are verbatim dialog from the program on the tee vee set.

****LOST JOKES ALERT****

-I, for one, would be fine calling them The Others.

-Helga vs. Five Drinks = Jacob vs. Esau

-Calamity Jane is my Constant.

-Rat-a-Tat refers to his penis as "The Black Rock."

-Their Dharma-sponsored food drops contain only Slim Jims, Mountain Dew and Crystal Meth.

-It's been tough to find the time to shout in the driveway recently because they need to stay inside and press the button every 108 minutes.

-The Neighbors are so dumb they actually like the character of Kate Austin (!)

The comments on this blog do not reflect those of producers of LOST, the American Broadcasting Company and its affiliates. Except the part about hating Kate.

Addition by Subtraction

NEW CAR: a silver 1998 Honda Civic with Pennsylvania tags. This could be old news, but I just got home from ten days away.

Also: I got home to find Wolfgang dressed in all black and wearing eyeliner.

I will never leave home again.

Disssappointment

josho! pointed out that I misspelled "disappointment" in the previous post. I explained to him that when you are extra disappointed, that is the correct spelling.

Major Dissapointment / No Real Surprise

Well they didn't show. And they didn't call. I'm pretty relieved.

josho! & I assume they didn't show because they were already fighting over the apartments even though neither of them have any chance of getting them. What really surprises me is how they expect me to rent to them when I've had a front row seat to their snow-globe Gomorrah for the past year. We (very, very, very) briefly considered having them move in for hilarity's sake of the blog, but evictions are neither cheap nor timely. I've more seriously considered a vasectomy.

If they call back, I don't know if I should use that opportunity to nix it or "give them another chance." Probably the latter.

So here is some more information that I recently found out about their loving and caring relationship with their current landlord. There had been a "For Rent" sign on the porch of their building for awhile and then one day it was gone. My mother told me it showed up a week later, bent in half and discarded into a huge snowbank that the snow-plows had created (the snowbank was half a block up the street in front of a neighbor who is very good friends with my mom).

ATTENTION: SNOW BANKS MELT.

About another half block past that snowbank there are literally dozens of miles of woods where you could dispose of a Sherman tank full of children and licorice and the closest they'd come to finding it would be 8 years later when they would wonder why so many small-boned animals died in the same area. Licorice poisoning. It's real and it's coming for you, Hank. Fairmount Park is "one of the largest urban parks in the country,"* and it starts about a block away from our apartment buildings but HIDE IT IN THE SNOW BANK 6 HOUSES DOWN.





*http://www.fairmountpark.org/AboutFairmountPark.asp

Insert 'Shawshank' Joke Here

On a recent jaunt to my parked car, which was stationed up the hill from 1Prime, I happened to fall into step with Five Drinks who was also engaged in the same task.

We didn't make eye contact, nor did she recognize me as the more hairy and handsome of her two next door neighbors (probably because I was never approached to mow their lawn). As I reached my car, I broke off to cross the street. Five Drinks continued up the side walk towards her sedan.

I craned my neck to the left to get one more look, and, instead of turning into a pillar of salt, I got a chance to read the back of her black zip-up windbreaker:

DEPARTMENT

of
CORRECTIONS

(it read)

The Neighbors Want To Move.....HERE

No updates in awhile? Sorry, off uncovering the secrets of 9-11. You let me know if keeping you safe at night isn’t more important than this blog. You let me know.

Back to things. Let me tell you how it started. I am the landlord of this building and I’m trying to rent the apartments upstairs. Among other things, I have a “For Rent” sign outside with my number on it. I got a call this morning from someone asking about the apartment. Pretty normal; I get a couple calls about it everyday.

Except it’s Helga.

Me: “Hi…..”
Her: “Hi…..”
Me: “Hi…..”

First of all: if you call someone else, YOU need to be the one to explain why you are calling. Contrary to what you (read: she) may have gleaned from popular culture, you DO NOT have to wait for me to say, “Can I help you?” or “How may I direct your call today?” Was she expecting an automated system? Did I confuse her by being a person? If so, it probably reminded her of the first time she peed a child.

Eventually we got around to dialogue. At first, I just thought it was someone random calling about the apartment. Then she drops this knowledge bomb on me:

Her: “Oh, I actually live right next door.”
Me: “Oh…..[mild shock/panic starts to set in]…..what floor?”
Her: “First."
Me: “Oh. OK [now eyes bulging and I am attacking josho! at his desk trying to get him to understand while frantically motioning out the window].”
Her: “Do you live on the first floor?”
Me: “[Grudgingly]….Yes.”
Her: “Oh, OK, I think I’ve met you [“Oh, OK, I think you write a blog about me and say terrible things about me and my Nazi youth league friends”]."
Her: “Do your light switches work?”
Me: “What?”
Her: “Do your light switches work?.....Like when you turn them on?"
Me: “Yes.”

She went on to explain how her landlord doesn’t fix things. I should have just told her "No": "No, the light switches don't work. In fact, nothing over here works. Actually, it's not even an apartment really - more like a big empty pit. Like the kind you might find dinosaurs in." Instead I simply assured her that apartment was entirely with electricity: something that has become extremely popular in 2010.

So I told her that I can show her the apartment at 7 pm on Thursday (which is today). She said OK. Then she said, “Wait, today is Thursday.” Dammit. Couldn’t get that one by her. In truth, I was so mind-flustered that I forgot what day it was. We shared a brief chuckle and then scheduled the showing for 7 pm on Friday (tomorrow). Then we hung up and I collapsed on the floor.


THERE ARE STILL MORE THINGS AHEAD.


As I’m lying on the floor and going over the conversation with josho!, I got another call. This happened 7 minutes after I received the initial call (I checked the time), so I immediately worried that it was Helga calling back because she'd forgotten to ask if the apartment had running water or more than 2 walls. I steeled my nerve (it's a word: buy a dictionary) and glanced at the phone. *Whew!* It was a different number.

I picked up the phone. It was another woman.

She mentioned that she lives next door to me. "First floor?" "First floor." It’s Five Drinks.

How is this even possible? For a split second, I consider the possibility that someone was playing a joke on me. Upon a further think, I dismissed that idea because (a) josho! or anyone else wouldn’t have had the nerve to interact with them at such a close range without first checking with CDC and getting a variety of immunizations and probably some psych training too and (b) The Neighbors themselves certainly weren't capable of such a premeditated, multi-step plan (unless they really are spies like we’ve sometimes surmised).

I mentioned to her that I just got a call from there: “Your…..roommate [I chose not to refer to her as the loud, abusive, delusional fatty who chases the sun away whenever she comes outside] must’ve just called me.” Now here is where it gets interesting. Five Drinks ignored that comment and went on about how she’s going to be living alone. She even stressed that she would be "just by herself" and that she has a steady job and can afford it [josho! will go into more detail about her job].

This raises a number of questions. Was Helga aware of this call? Did Five Drinks call because Helga had just called? Are Five Drinks and Helga on the outs? The winter has been pretty quiet (except for a couple incidents that will one day be posted), so josho! & I concluded that some element of their former lifestyle has been removed. Did Rat-A-Tat vacate/get his ponytail stuck in his chopper? Did they finally eat Doggy? Did the girls get shipped off to boarding school (or juvie as would more likely be the case)? Will I accidentally call Helga "Helga" and Five Drinks "Five Drinks" when I SHOW THEM THE APARTMENT THAT I HAVE NO INTENTION OF RENTING THEM TOMORROW?

I scheduled to show Five Drinks the apartment right after Helga (7:30 pm so I get in enough time with Helga beforehand - I'm probably the first person to want to get in "enough time" with her). Tune in this weekend for the (probably boring and anti-climactic) results!

I hope Helga brings Calamity Jane.

Pulling The Trigger?

This Just In: Vinny lost two pounds while showering.

In a related story, I won the scale as a door prize.